From the Archives: Talk New Age Spirituality to Me

Originally published: Sun, 14 Jan 2018  

My favorite installation at Burning Man '17 was a simple TSA-looking sign that says: Leave your emotional baggage behind and remember who the fuck you are. 

It was that year that I finally started to shake off the guilt, shame, and fear that had been caked on, layer upon layer, since I can remember. For me, shaking it off resembled a mix of a just-in-from-the-rain-wet-dog; Taylor-Swift-esque-sex-appeal [a la “Shake It Off”]. I was a beautiful fucking mess.   

The part of my story where I walked out on my husband and left our little life behind got me into a state of being unbelievably open & raw & willing. I had been into the yoga and meditation bit for years, but all the other things that were once off-limits [e.g. New Age bullshit that I used to look down upon] were now intriguing and totally up for grabs. 

I just wanted to fucking heal. In the same holotropic breath, I often replayed the nightmare of the marriage and its dramatic ending which made me feel like shit and threatened my healing with a new layer of guilt/shame/fear. I questioned if I was a terrible person for marrying someone and subsequently leaving him. But I also knew that if I let myself think like that then I’d perpetuate the cycle I’d been stuck in for ages. 

It helps that I don’t think anyone is truly terrible at their core. I happen to think that people are innately good and that change is generally possible [albeit usually super slowly]. So, I let myself off the hook. I forgave myself because that’s what I’d do for someone else who was in as much fucking pain as I was in. And I try to remember to forgive myself every day [some days are harder than others]. 

Like I said in my last entry, the whole marriage debacle was truly rock bottom for me. I’d done some crazy shit, but nothing that bad.   

There’s nothing I have ever wanted more in life than to be free. I continue seeking new ways of feeling free. Over the past year, I’ve played with various radical rituals. I’ve found that I love drinking tea & taking baths & standing on my head until the rush of blood makes me feel the right kind of dizzy & tapping meridian points & furious dancing [sometimes to queen Tay Tay, of course]. I’ve recently started to read Tarot cards and am messing around with breathwork. 

I try to stop my scientific nay-saying brain from scrutinizing everything. I have a list of things I want to try someday, like a sensory deprivation chamber and a long-ish silent meditation retreat. And I simply don't continue to do things that don't feel good to me or that trigger shame, like traditional AA meetings. 

I continue to do things that make me feel free and happy and….dare I say, even a tiny bit creative. Most recently, writing about my story has proven to be quite liberating and it’s the first creative outlet I’ve had in forever. I also write other things so you may see some fiction and poems interspersed in here, as well.