From the Archives: Talk New Age Spirituality to Me

Originally published: Sun, 14 Jan 2018  

My favorite installation at Burning Man '17 was a simple TSA-looking sign that says: Leave your emotional baggage behind and remember who the fuck you are. 

It was that year that I finally started to shake off the guilt, shame, and fear that had been caked on, layer upon layer, since I can remember. For me, shaking it off resembled a mix of a just-in-from-the-rain-wet-dog meets Taylor-Swift-esque-sex-appeal [a la “Shake It Off”].

The year before, I walked away from a marriage and a while ass life thata I'd worked real hard to build. For good reason, I assure you. Doing something so bold got me into a state of being unbelievably open & raw & willing. I had been into yoga and meditation for years, but all the other things that were once off-limits. This era ushered in the new age bullshit that I used to look down upon and then Burning Man brought it on a mass scale.

Truth is, I just wanted to fucking heal.

In the same holotropic breath, I often replayed the nightmare of the marriage and its dramatic ending which made me feel like shit and threatened my healing with a new layer of guilt/shame/fear. I questioned if I was a terrible person for marrying someone and subsequently leaving him. But I also knew that if I let myself think like that then I’d perpetuate the cycle I’d been stuck in for ages. A cycle that was, it turned out, generational in nature.

The whole marriage debacle was truly rock bottom for me. I’d done some crazy shit, but nothing that...consequential. Being "divorced" is its own, like, radio button to select on forms and shit. Ugh that shame is still so nearby. Haunting me even as I write this.

I have always held the belief that no one is truly terrible at their core. I happen to think that people are innately good and that change is generally possible. Albeit rare and slow. So, I keep letting myself off the shame hook. I forgive myself because that’s what I’d do for someone else who was in as much fucking pain as I was in during that marriage. 

I didn't divorce him because of my obsession with freedom, but I'm not going to lie: There’s nothing I have ever wanted more in life than to be free. I continue seeking new ways of feeling free. Over the past year, I’ve played with various radical rituals. I’ve found that I love drinking tea & taking baths & standing on my head until the rush of blood makes me feel the right kind of dizzy & tapping meridian points & ecstatic dancing. I’ve recently started to read Tarot cards and am messing around with breathwork. 

I try to stop my scientific nay-saying brain from scrutinizing everything. I have a list of things I want to try someday, like a sensory deprivation chamber and a long-ish silent meditation retreat. And I simply don't continue to do things that don't feel good to me or that trigger shame, like traditional AA meetings. 

I continue to do things that make me feel free and happy and….dare I say, even a tiny bit creative. Most recently, writing about my story has proven to be quite liberating and it’s the first creative outlet I’ve had in forever. I also write other things so you may see some fiction and poems interspersed in here, as well.